Growing up, I was told that the 20s are going to be the best years of my life. I believe them. But I would not mask nor make shy the fact that it is also a golden age of uncertainty, rejection, self-doubt, and failure.
Two weeks ago I found myself stuck in a rut of despair and anxiety. The golden age has taken its toll, and not even San Miguel, for all the times he was a loyal and reliable companion, could give clarity to such mess. What I found interesting then were the conversations—candid, genuine exchanges of disappointment and dissatisfaction that awaken a sense of familiarity. It was comforting to know that my friends and other 20-somethings were echoing the same desperate rhetoric: What did I do wrong? Where should I go? Is this worth it? Why?
Repeat something over and over again it loses its meaning, poet Phil Kay said. And yet our aspiration is not to rid asking these questions, no matter how exasperating, rather to embrace the burden of unease in the silence that follows.
It was then I boarded the last bus bound for Vigan. I wanted to find myself in a good place; somewhere I could overcome the remorse that usually accompanies a failed expectation. Vigan offers a wonderful escape to anyone who needs to remember, not to forget. From the capiz windows and the smell of bagnet to the kalesas and cobblestone streets, the city was an idyllic place for remembering.
IDYLLIC. Inside Hotel Luna in Vigan, Ilocos Sur.
SOLITUDE. Alone in my room at Villa Angela.
During the first two days I did everything by myself—sleep in an old house, read books, drink basi wine, take photos out at night, eat at restaurants and bike around the city. I did not expect being alone, with no plans whatsoever, could be very enjoyable.
One time I avoided walking towards Calle Crisologo, the most prominent street in the city. I found myself wandering in unknown calles and coming across similarly pleasing discoveries; with each turn offering a new charm and detail about the city. I wonder if life eggs on the same logic—that it is totally fine to throw away any plan you have built your life around and to trust in the unpredictable. This is exactly what John Keats meant by negative capability, that is “when man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason”. It turns outs, other great thinkers share this idea with Keats.
It was not until recently that a copy of Letters to a Young Poet came into my hands by accident. It has been my bible since, providing ease to my anxiety in this crucial time of isolation. So to the troubled and solitary souls reading this let me share with you a piece of advice from Rilke.
You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. – Rainer Maria Rilke
The 20s are the best years of our lives. Do not be afraid to do things in excesses—risk more, fail more, learn more, love more, and grow more. The roads ahead might be ambiguous, but remember the choose-your-own-adventure books? You loved them as a child and you were whipped up every time you turned the page without any clue of how the story ends. You decided your own plot and enjoyed it immensely. In the same way, live your questions now and embrace the mystery of what lies ahead. Nobody can assure you of anything except that we all go through the same thing, only that others are able to able to accept how things are now and make the best of it. And I hope we all make the best of it.
REMEMBERING. The famous Calle Crisologo is most captivating at night.
BAHAY NA BATO. An architecture that is uniquely Filipino.
UNCERTAINTY. Embrace it.
Filipina Bohemian 